Write Now

An unseen chess clock ticks. The baby monitor hums, the occasional snore and blanket rustle are amplified. I wonder how much I can write before the red light on the monitor blinks, indicating a greater decibel of noise: either Emerson crying for the boob or Jazzy screaming in a night fright. Stress, thrill, and desperation compel me to write in a way I rarely do, spontaneously. Without much vision or revision.

Feeling rather melancholy and spent, I resisted the urge to sleep at 9 after getting Jazzy to fall asleep and decided to have some me-time, a rare occurrence. Since then, I have taken a long shower with Nina Simone playing on small speakers, shaved my legs, soothed my soles with pumice, did Pilates' hundreds and other core strengthening exercises, and ate some ginataan, a Filipino coconut-milk based dessert I recreated to suit my diabetic needs.

The last few days, I have been running a momathon. Tending to my fevered, irritable infant, keeping my tot happy, researching and borrowing princess and St. Patty's picture books from the library, taking her to day care, swim class and the playground. Laundry, money matters, email, planning meals, weekends, and trips. Waiting on long lines at the food co-op so I can cook dinners that can be done during a couple of episodes of Dora or Diego. Sleeping at nine. Waking at 6. Nursing every 2-3 hours even throughout the night. I am happy to do all of this, realize that many moms do much more, and am grateful for all the support I get from family to help me manage; I am not complaining - I am just unloading my exhaustion.

Now I am writing because it helps slow me down, forces me to sit still, allows me to reflect on small successes (I didn't lose my temper with Jazzy today, I got a great parking spot right outside the house, I pumped 6 ounces of milk) rather than just my frustrations (haven't had time to give myself a pedicure or pluck my eyebrows or watch this week's Lost, when will I stop hating the wrinkled skin on my belly?). As I write, I can "satisfy my soul". And now the baby is waking.